What Are You Reaching For?

by helen on March 28, 2013

IMG_5444With aching fingers and wobbly legs, I looked down to see the ground far below.

Queasy tendrils of fear swept up my body.  I took a breath.

In that mini pause, I allowed myself to feel the fear without reacting.  I allowed the emotion to pass through me rather than take hold.  I know from experience that rampant fear unacknowledged and dodged causes me to freeze or stuff it down causing me internal tension and pain.

I was the climber in a pair team – one climber and one belayer – one person climbs and the other belays (holds the rope) and ensures the safety of the climber as they ascend.

IMG_5492I had not climbed in over 15 years.  Another breath.  I was able to look up.  Only 4 or 5 moves to the top of the climb.

Focus and Goal

I remembered my goal.  To get to the top of the climb.

Courage in the face of vulnerability

The wave of fear had stopped me.  I could feel my hands getting sweaty – not ideal as it makes the small holds hard to grasp.

Yes, I could stop now.  Yes, I could feel good about getting back in a harness after so many years and taking myself up a rock wall rather than just helping others climb. Yes, I could rationalize that it was OK to quit early and I’d made it most of the way.  I’d put in more than a little effort.

But I wouldn’t have reached my goal.  The top.

And the only thing holding me back was fear.

IMG_5490Fear and playing small

And the fear was not helpful.  I was not in danger.  I was in a harness, attached to a rope, and being belayed by an experienced person, who also was being helpful and encouraging from the ground.  I knew he had my safety covered.  Back in the day I had climbed much higher graded and more challenging routes.

A part of my brain did not get that.  Thoughts of catastrophe and disaster swarmed my psyche, and my emotions and physiology reacted accordingly.

I looked down again.  I saw my children gaping.  They’re so used to me being  ‘Mom’ or the ‘safety chick’ (they not-so-fondly call me that when I insist they wear a helmet while riding their bikes).  They can’t believe their eyes that I’m straddled on funky multicolored holds on a rock wall 25 feet up in the air.

Re-grounding on the go

I re-grounded (as much as you can, in that position!) and decided that the fear was not helpful in that situation.  I was actually safe.  Fear was trying to keep me small.  I decided to go for the top.

I took another breath, and reached for the next hold, then the next, and before I knew it I was touching the top of the wall and checking for a tight rope before sitting back in the harness to be let down to the ground by my trusty belayer.

I was elated.

It was just one climb at a rock wall but the metaphor was rich.

How many times do we stop before the goal because of fear or discomfort?

How many times do we play small and not stretch that extra few feet?

How many times does fear rule the roost, unquestioned?

I’m not saying ignore fear, or any of the emotions that are less than comfortable to feel.

I am saying it’s important to allow space to seek the truth in the thoughts that may stop you in your tracks.  To notice and allow space for your ensuing emotions.  This allows you to make the choices to lead from an informed, creative and empowered place rather than a reactionary stance.  

This is the space where focus is rewarded, where goals are achieved, where possibilities are born and mature, and where inspired action abounds.

And who knows, you may even have fun in the process, as I did.

Where have you stopped short or gone for gold?  I’d love to hear your stories and thoughts in the comments below.

{ 4 comments }

Is Worry Your Kryptonite?

by helen on March 9, 2013

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”  Winston Churchill

Is Worry Your Kryptonite?Do you have the worry gene?  Is it expressing?

I confess. I do.  And it does.

Last week an old business contact made mention that since I was a life coach now I must have my life ‘all set’ and ‘be perfect’.  Oh, how I laughed!

It’s true that I have made many changes in my life, and I have an awesome array of tools and strategies to help, but when I choose not to practice the strategies, then I’m in no better shape than I was before.  It’s a daily, sometimes hourly, choice.

Interestingly, I caught myself in a worry frenzy this week.  It used to be that I didn’t question worry frenzies, I bought into all of the noise and saw the whirling thoughts and pictures as absolute possibilities that I needed to plan around, fix, fix, fix and brace myself for.

I’d walk around, alternating between stiff as a board and twitchy as a caffeinated squirrel, wearing my shoulders as earrings with a background of whirring worry thoughts of what could go wrong at any time?  And was I really good enough? And is that option safe? And don’t get me started on how worry functioned around risk or approval….

After having children,  the worrying was even more exacerbated.  At times it debilitated me, sending me into cold, wet anxiety and frustrating indecision.

I am blessed with 2 beautiful and resilient children.  However, the early years were peppered with medical intervention  - both had allergic colitis from 5 weeks and were bleeding from the bowel for weeks, my son had brain surgery at 7 months, both went into respiratory distress with each sniffle or cold making me a huge fan of nebulizers and albuterol (and a frequent flyer in the Emergency Room), and 2 hospitalizations for my daughter before the age of 2. And then the usual strep throats, sinus infections, 2 extremely frightening flu episodes, oh and let’s not forget resuscitating my daughter after she choked on a grape at 4 years old.

Many of those memories deeply, viscerally terrifying, and, left unquestioned, funding the worry machine.

Life can be joy-filled on many levels and there are no guarantees that it will be skirmish-free.

Worry can keep imagined skirmishes bleating, throughout the joyful times, taking the gloss off the fun and goodness.  Unattended to, worry can become a huge energy drain and is rarely, if ever, helpful.

So if the worry churns catastrophe in the background, or foreground, how do you live  a full potential and joyful life?

Here are some strategies I use for busting the worry cycle:

Awareness – I notice the worries rather than getting right on the worry train.  I try to view them with curiosity and see what is there to be learned.

Kindness and Compassion – I stop beating myself about being a worry wart. It doesn’t help.

Acceptance and Reality Checking – I stop arguing with reality and get back on my yoga mat (in my business). I remember Byron Katie’s words, “When you argue with reality, you lose—but only 100% of the time.” It helps me ground myself in what is happening and what’s in my control – centering in my business, choices, values and desires.

Find a mantra that helps – in Joan Borysenko’s wonderful book, Pocketful of Miracles, she gives a beautiful mantra for worry “What is is and I can handle it”. I find this very helpful as I have handled many emergencies in my lifetime.  In most situations I have been capable, resourceful, and, after all, I am still here.  Great evidence that I can handle it.

Space / Allowing time for worry – on the basis of whatever you resist persists, giving yourself a part of your day, say 10-15 mins, where you allow yourself to worry and mine the messages for meaning and potential action, and then let them go.

Take care of yourself – if I’m nourishing my body with good food, sleep and movement, I find I’m more resilient to worry overload.

Thought sanitation – if I’m doing thought work and spending some time in mindfulness, I find it helps decrease my worried whirring.

Gratitude – Being in a place of gratitude is a wonderful antidote to fear and worry.  The bonus is that gratitude practice is linked to more joy too.

Play and Laughter – having fun, being playful, laughing out loud are such soul soothers and creativity boosters.  They also help me connect and be present – worry often skips the present, hanging out in the past and mired in potential future difficulties.

Faith and Trust - if you feel a spiritual connection – with the Universe, God, Great Spirit, or your spiritual belief of choice – then there can be peace and comfort in leaning in, and surrendering or allowing ourselves to be with whatever our circumstance is, that there is meaning, even if we can’t see it at that moment.

That’s my list.  What’s yours?  Are you a worrier?  If so what do you do?  I’d love to hear your comments.

 

 

{ 4 comments }

Baggage Check – What are you carrying that you no longer need?

February 1, 2013

I was bullied in school. Not beaten up or physically harmed.  It was all taunts that hurt on the inside. I was at an all girls private church school.  Enough said. Sometime during or after puberty, with my DD cups, high grades and obvious desire to learn, I became the target for mean-ness, nasty comments, [...]

Read the full article →

Kindness, Community, and Action

October 1, 2012

This summer I wrote about my 9-year-old daughter’s loss of vision in Don’t Dim My Light. Thankfully, Sophie’s sight has almost fully recovered in that time.  In the same way as there is no clear answer to why this happened, there is also no clear answer to how it has resolved, and so we continue [...]

Read the full article →

Don’t Dim My Light: 9 Tips to Deal with Dimming

May 23, 2012

“Sweetheart, please can you put on your sunglasses so we can go to the store?” I asked. “I don’t want my light to be dimmed,” my daughter sobbed through huge rolling tears and heaving chest. I stopped dead.  The words soaked in.  My throat choked up. She had dealt with a lot these last couple [...]

Read the full article →

Lessons From A Chip Bag

March 31, 2012

As my fingers scrabbled at the bottom of the bag to collect the crumbs in my hot little hands, I realized I’d consumed a family size bag of chips at one sitting. Who Did That? I looked accusingly around the room.  Surely someone else had eaten some. I already knew that I was alone in [...]

Read the full article →

Are You Making Things Harder Than They Need To Be?

February 29, 2012

Have you heard the term “over-efforting”? I first heard it from Master Mind-Body Coach Abigail Steidley on a teleclass one day.  I did a quick Google search on ‘over-efforting’ and there were almost 80,000 hits. I so relate to this term – over-efforting. Why?  Because I do it a lot of the time. My go-to [...]

Read the full article →

It’s The Simple Things – Presence or Absence, Not Both

January 31, 2012

“Be absent, or be present, but don’t be both.” In early December I was honored to take facilitator training for i2a Strategic Thinking and the Energy Rich Leadership Course.  This was the ground rule delivered by one of the fabulous course leaders, Gretchen Pisano (who writes beautifully about it here). Be absent, or be present, [...]

Read the full article →

Why Not Trust?

December 24, 2011

My eyes were wide and terror ripped through me as I clung to my seat for dear life.  I  was on a flight to Phoenix where the turbulence was so rough that I was airborne within the cabin – even with my seatbelt on.  It was like a roller-coaster with no end as people around [...]

Read the full article →

Elves, Pizza and 2012

December 1, 2011

Norm, our Elf on the Shelf, showed up today.  He was wrapped around the salt shaker on the kitchen table and the kids were beyond excited to see him (or perhaps it was the 1st day of Advent calendar sugar adding to the hype!). A relatively new tradition, Norm has been with us for 4 [...]

Read the full article →