Not beaten up or physically harmed. It was all taunts that hurt on the inside.
I was at an all girls private church school. Enough said.
Sometime during or after puberty, with my DD cups, high grades and obvious desire to learn, I became the target for mean-ness, nasty comments, and name-calling from a handful of girls.
I would dread gym class – changing in a frigid, brick building next to the hockey field, with the sneers and snickers from some girls as I unrobed and curled up to hide myself as quickly as I could.
I remember the elation of getting 100% in a mathematics exam, after much study and practice, only to sink in shame and humiliation at seeing the drawing of myself on the blackboard that a classmate had done of me as a square, and the giggles from some of the other classmates.
Another girl might have been able to armor up. Not me. Each barb hit my sensitive and tender heart despite good friends and their support.
As I left for University, I left everything about high school behind, except for a few dear friends. Or so I thought.
I’m not just talking about aging or my impressive stretch marks from carrying my beautiful children.
I’m talking about old stuff that still resides in my body, long after the thought work and other coaching techniques have dissolved the painful stories.
Through the Alexander Technique, with my increased awareness to my body and it’s open-ness and stature, I have realized how much of the physical remnants I still hold on to from those early memories. And still carry in my body.
My shoulders droop, my first protection to try and hide my ample bosom. My spine curls around my belly – perhaps a way to protect my soft parts. Physical habits that served a purpose but continued long after they were needed, if ever needed, and even causing strain and tension in everyday movement.
Even after all these years. I’m amazed that these physical tendencies are still here.
Even after all of the love, joys, and successes of my life, relationships, and career.
As I stood in the shower this morning, I noticed my shoulder droop and thought “open and wide” and my body adjusted accordingly. Something I’ve learned from the Alexander Technique. It felt good. Strong.
A new dawn, a taller, open and less tense body. Ready to do my work in the word for those I serve.
I’m ready to stand to my full God-given height and potential.
I’m ready to walk open.
To lead my life in a way that feels good to me, without the physical remnants of trying to fit in and approval seeking.
Me. Fully me. As I am. Loving, kind, funny, intelligent, imperfect me. Free to be who I am. Unfurled.
What are you holding on to, in any form, that is no longer serving you?
Please leave a comment below, I’d love to hear from you.