When I was little I loved watching Telly Savalas in Kojak (it aired on CBS from 1973 to 1978). It was one of the American shows that aired on one of the 3 TV channels I grew up with in England.
Kojak was a tough NY detective, with a bald head who was always sucking a lollipop.
His catch phrase was:
“Who loves ya Baby?”
He comes to mind now as I write about self love because, as the Beatles wrote, “All you need is love”, it seems that while this may be generally accepted, for many of us the search for this love may be in some part or almost exclusively outside of ourselves.
So my question to you is, if you’re not deeply loving to yourself, why not?
Jeanette Maw, in The Art of Self-love says -
“Self-love is appreciating who you are, feeling good about yourself, directing loving thoughts inward, and being good to yourself through actions.
In describing self-love, many people also reference self esteem, self respect, self regard, and self care. These elements are also intimate components of self-love.”
While loving others is a beautiful thing and there’s nothing wrong with being deeply in love with someone or many someones, your kids and pets, or the world as whole, I’m starting to see (thanks to my life coach training and continuing studies) that true and authentic self-love is really one of the prizes.
A gift that keeps giving. One we want to practice and practice and connect deeply with.
Why? You ask. Without trusting and developing and practicing this love of self (body and mind), it can leave us outwardly chasing what our inner world could totally sustain and the up side is that our outward loving relationships benefit too.
Where do you start? As Jeannette says:
“the truth is each of us may have slightly different ideas of what self-love is and what it looks like for ourselves. Regardless of the potential differences, it’s important to get familiar with your version of self-love.”
What I want to touch on today are the sometimes less-than-loving thoughts that pop into our heads. And we sometimes buy in to them.
Do you say things to yourself that you would never say to a friend, a loved one, or even an enemy? If so it’s time to clean up your inner dialogue and open up to more self love.
Dr Russ Harris in The Happiness Trap talks about defusion, which he defines as “relating to your thoughts in a new way, so they have much less impact and influence over you.”
He goes on to say:
“As you learn to defuse painful and unpleasant thoughts, they will lose the ability to frighten, disturb, worry, stress, or depress you. And as you learn to defuse unhelpful thoughts, such as self-limiting beliefs and harsh self-criticisms, they will have much less influence over your behavior.”
So pick one or several of your go-to self-limiting and unloving thoughts, here are some examples -
“Look at all the cellulite on my ugly, flabby thighs!”
“I’m so stupid!”
“I’ll never make it!”
“I’m not good enough.”
Once you have one of these unloving thoughts in your mind, imagine singing the thought to a tune eg, to the happy birthday song or jingle bell music, or using a Mickey Mouse or helium voice. Chances are you’ll find yourself not taking the thought so seriously, you defused it.
It may sound too simple. Or silly. But isn’t it worth a try?
So that next time you’re passing a mirror – you can honestly ask:
“Who loves ya baby?” and you’ll know without a question and with a warm loving smile that you’re talking to you.
What do you do for self-love?
Can you write a self-love list – tailored for you?
I’d love to hear from you on self love, click below to leave a comment.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I am reading The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson and she suggests one way to cultivate self – love is through “mirror work” which apparently is a thing that Louise Hay promotes a great deal in her work. So now, every time I pass by a mirror, I try to remember to stop, look into my own eyes and say to myself, “Amy. I love you.” I know. I know. It sounds cheesy but it has been really hard for me to do. I’m at the final days of pregnancy and feeling really bloated and just not at my best so it’s easy to look in the mirror and think “yuck.” It’s definitely a shock to notice how hard it is to look in the mirror and think something loving. So I find that, although a little cheesy, it has been a great tool for cultivating more self-love.
Amy, thanks so much for sharing! I love this! Thanks so much for the resource too. Good luck with the new baby! I am loving your series on self care. Love, Helen